So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
