Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude i'm inner monologue high
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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