no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
