He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
