Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
