Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
