im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
