It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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