My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize