Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
