Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
