Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
