You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
