I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
