sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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