My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
