I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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