I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
