Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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