if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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