Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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