Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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