Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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