I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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