I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
