Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
