; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
