i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
