I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
