Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
