I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
