I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
