Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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