nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
