my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
