"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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