So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
