You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
