Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
