I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
