I seem to have left my pride at pride
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
