I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
