I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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