we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
