please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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