Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I touched a dick in church today
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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