I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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