What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
