i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
did i just pee glitter
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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