Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do vagina's smell?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
