he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
why is half of my head shaved?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
