This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
