I wanna passion pit in your ass
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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