Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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