i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
