I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
