No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
