your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize