you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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